| Subject: |
|
I know i won't |
| Name: |
|
notbrave |
| Date Posted: |
|
Jan 11, 06 - 11:40 PM |
| Message: |
|
I think I have not matured enough. I know I have not. I am 25, but the way I act and the way I see the world feels like I am still a teenager that I used to be a long time ago. People of my age would be worried about their future or would be working seriously and sincerely towards securing a place for future. But I don't do that. Sometimes, it scares me; it scares me thinking where I am going from here. I don's see my future. I don't know what I am going to be in two years time. Sometimes, I feel the reason I have no idea about what I will be in future or how I don't seriously work and plan for my future is because I may not have many years to come. Sometime I think I might not even live longer to suffer for not working hard today. But that's silly. I know.
It feels that this is the most honest piece of writing that I have ever written in a long time. But I am just too scared for other people to read it. I had originally posted this in my blogsite, but I decided to delete it from there. I did not see the point to keep it there, or may be I was just scared of the idea that people will see my true self. I don’t think I am ready to be honest about myself yet. I am just not brave enough yet. My dad knows about my blog, and although it is very unlikely that he would check that site, but if he ever does, and see my take on future, he would be shocked, and he will probably be disgusted to see me being weak. He knows that I am not as strong as he would like me to be, but he does not want to know that I am thinking about stuff like death or hopelessness. Also, I myself think it is silly. I am just plain lazy, that’s it. There is no other way to put it. I am too lazy to work hard, and I am now trying to romanticize my laziness with silly writing. But then if I know all this, why I am not moving; why I cannot me motivated to work hard; sometime I think I am suicidal. But I know I won’t kill myself. I am just too scared to hurt me. I think I am not deep enough or crazy enough or brave enough to kill myself. But often, I see picture in my head of me jumping from my apartment’s building, and most often-- and I don’t know why-- I see my head being chopped off from my body, and somebody eating French Fries out of my head. The French Fries eating part was inspired by an episode of an American TV Sitcom called Friends. Anyway, my thoughts are funny. But I know I won’t kill myself. I love myself too much to kill myself. But other than that, seeing the way my life is, seeing my laziness and seeing no hope for my future, I want to end it. But wait…. It does not end there. I want to end it and restart all over again as though I am playing Solitaire in computer where I can restart the game after the game becomes too messy, too complicated to win. My life is not messy though. It is in fact too simple, so simple that I don’t even know why I am living. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Check out our brand new guestbook, photo album and resource articles!
Reply
Forum
bravenet.com