So much of what you wrote I can really relate too and I do feel very sorry that you are having to go through such challenges as uncomfortable thoughts, social phobia, etc. and all the frustrating consequences this situation brings.
I first want to make certain that you understand that I have no authority to diagnose your problem, and that you should get help from a holistic health care physician as soon as you can, and while you are doing this, you might CAREFULLY try the following:
The kind of whole food diet that could bring you the most relief need not be expensive at all! You might try a rather bland whole foods diet based on rice and beans, raw vegetables, V8, flax seed oil, plenty of fresh whole butter or ghee, fresh cod liver oil, rice milk and whole cereal grains such as oats with whole fresh fruit such as apples and blueberries. Avoid all stimulating food such as meat, chicken, fish, soy, dairy, etc. and avoid all sugary or sweet food such as dried fruit, sweets, honey, bananas and sugars. Also try to get a full spectrum B-complex and a complete vitamin-mineral-antioxidant supplement along with some adaptogenic herbs.
The well-being of the physical brain depends on delicate biochemistry that can easily be disrupted if you have any metabolic abnormalities resulting in faulty protein and/or B6 synthesis and/or food sensitivities resulting in some sort of inflammation of the brain causing all sorts of problems with thoughts and moods. Also with your doctor's help, make sure all of your organs such as thyroid, kidneys, pancreas, etc. are functioning properly.
Agitated thoughts are usually caused by reactions to common proteins found in meat, dairy products and soy beans and from foreign substances such as drugs, hormones, chemicals, food colorings and preservatives. This is what I have found to be true for myself. I found that my mind runs best on natural whole foods high in complex carbohydrates, butter, flax seed oil and raw fruits and vegetables. Obviously some protein is essential, but some people may not be able to properly metabolize or handle any excess amounts of protein very well and therefore becomes a toxin that disrupts metabolism and/or irritates tissues instead.
As far as meditation is concerned, you must get your brain metabolism balanced first before you can benefit from meditation!
Hope this information helps you back toward a happier state of equilibrium!
Please let me know if you can find some help. You are welcome to write again either by e-mail or through this forum.
thanks for the info, i will just try that for now i guess, rice, beans and vegetables arent really that expensive, i used to eat lots of soy products too, i think im not gonna eat those anymore, the hardest part is going to be alcohol, im not an alcoholic on a daily basis its just the only way i can function socially on weekends,so i get drunk so i can talk to people the next days are pretty bad tho. Is it ok to drink some wine?
A little Vitasoy soy milk no more than once a day would be just fine, simply don't overdo it and thin it out with as much Rice Dream Rice milk as you desire. Use raw butter (preferably pasture grazed) with all your meals instead of cheese and milk. Various types of oils such as fish oil and flax seed oil are essential. Plenty of complex carbohydrates such as raw oats, vegetables, brown rice and beans are essential too.
As long as you need anything like wine to be social, then there is still something wrong. Enjoying health food drinks instead of alcohol such as goji juice, kombucha (only 1% alcohol), limu, pomegranate, blueberry juice, raw vegetable juice etc. would all make far more sense for you to drink because such health drinks are extremely beneficial to your emotional and physical well-being.
Also as far as improving self-confidence and overcoming social phobia, shyness, etc. there is nothing like the lifestyle of bramacharia! Get into a social life, relationships, etc. based on pure love and free from sensuality. Get in touch with SRF, Swami Kriyanada, Paramhansa Yogananda, or some other yoga group that emphasizes the Yamas and Niyamas and follow their teachings.
By carefully balancing out your metabolism with the correct foods and a lifestyle of honesty and purity, you can live in bliss and meditate like some of the great masters! Get drunk on God, not alcohol.
