I have been meditating and attempting to live a Hindu spiritual based life for over twenty yrs. I was born into the catholic tradition in a third world country and have always doubted its version of the cathecism of life, the creator and purpose of life. When I was ninettenn I emigrated to the states and had what could be termed an anxiety attack due to existental angst and the unfathomable reason for existence. That experience upon recovery from it prompted me to seek and finally find refuge in hinduism or specifically SRF of Paramahansa Yogananda. Later on I assumed that I advanced to vedanta philosophy of hinduism and seriously started to attempt to live a spiritual life. But over the years I noticed that my practices though commendable to an extent has not done much to alter me positively from within. I still had some serious issues with anger excessive sexual energy, and not being entirely truthfull to my self or any one else.
I had noticed that heat or a simmilar sensation will often rise and subtley present in my upper back(left side of my spine) increasing intermitently with intense practice and abstinence from lower thoughts and excessive sexual activities.

Anyway in the last few yrs I noticed that somehow the existential angst started creeping into my thoughts perhaps subconsciously because I will often jerk me up from my sleep with a scream as doomed and freightend thoughts of nothingness or its total lack of meaning will autonomously find its way into my mind. I kept brushing this thought aside Till one day seven yrs ago when I ate some marijuana laced cookies and went into a serious panick attack where the very fabric of existence seemed to be peeling off and I am falling deep into an unknown abyss. This experience was very horrific for me as you might imagine, but soon abated within a day permanently scaring me off of any hallucinogens, though I was never a serious user due to my high blood preasure and concomitant tachardia. I have also been somewhat of a hypochondriach and a worrier all my life.

Any way recently in the last two years I moved to the east coast from the west and continued my yoga practice and recently started incoporating pranayam to alleviate blood preasure as thought by ba yoga teacher here in jersey. Two weeks ago in the midst of the pranayam I experienced intensely those same existental fears I had when I was high on the laced cookies, only now it subjected me into a state of severe anxiety to the point where I have become home bound and cant even sit down infront of my deites for the calming meditations I used to have. I can not do yoga or even stay by myself. I still feel the kundalini in my back, and now wondering if its stunted rise might have any thing to do with what I am experiencing?. plse help.

Jerry,

Wow. Sorry to hear of you going through so much anxiety. But I can tell you much about all that you are experiencing because you are almost exactly the same way as I am if not a perfect copy of my own fears, searching for God and suffering, etc.

The causes of your anxiety, however spiritual they may seem, most likely have physical or nutritional origins. That statement however is not at all to invalidate the spiritual aspects of your life and fears which are absolutely real and 100% valid. I will address both causes at great length hopefully for your great benefit and help.

I can duly relate to your feelings of "existential angst" and "unfathomable reason for existence" like the back of my own hand. I had suffered early onwards from the age of 14 and especially at age of 19 and until 50 years of age from such fears and even some wild kundalini experiences, continued attempts to be celibate, etc. for the same reasons as you are attempting to be celibate.

I remember often waking up in absolute terror around 2:00 in the early morning clinging to Yogananda's book, "Autobiography of a Yogi" because that book was usually the only source of comfort I ever had not just for "existential fears" but also the terrible injustices in this world.

Please read more of what I went through here: http://www.wholejoy.com/healinganxiety/afterlife.html regarding how I overcame not only terrible anxiety but also the fear of death. I am quite sure that this vital information can really, really help you too!

I imagine you must now have my website: http://www.wholejoy.com/healinganxiety/ available for you to look at also, correct? Which was probably how you found the rest of this site, and forum, right? Go there for the most specific and most helpful information I know of in how to deal with the "existential fear" and other negative moods, thoughts, etc. : http://www.wholejoy.com/healinganxiety/index.html#idealdiet This knowledge is essential information for you!

What especially helped me was a very alkaline diet yet high in complete protein and then adding a tablespoon of dolomite (make sure it is pure and not contaminated with heavy metals) with every 1.5 liters of ionized water and drinking plenty of that between meals instead of snacking. Did you get through to my site via my "About.com" article on ionized water? Then you would know also about the benefits and importance of ionized water which is beneficial because of is its very high alkalinity.

Your adrenals are probably not functioning well, and with all that kundalini activity, the minerals calcium and magnesium and lesser amounts of all other minerals become critical in whether of not you get well!

So please believe me and follow this most basic information and you should recover gradually. I also strongly suggest you see a naturopathic doctor because they usually spend much more time with the patient, treat causes instead of symptoms and only prescribe natural supplements and therapies without side effects.

This page might also be of interest to you if you have not seen it yet:
http://www.wholejoy.com/healinganxiety/kundalini.html

Many blessings and may you soon find peace and freedom from this anxiety!

Please write back soon when you have some time and let me know how you are progressing.