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Poets' Coop's E-Group Forum: A Virtual Writers' Group

Need some feedback on a work in progress? Try the Poets' Coop's e-Group. Cut & paste your poem into this free "electronic bulletin board" for others to critique. To get your own creative juices flowing, maybe you just need to reflect on another's poem or to give our monthly Poetic Challenge a try. Come give some constructive criticism. Check back often to see what the others have to say or check the box to get an email whenever someone has commented.

Poets' Coop's E-Group Forum: A Virtual Writers' Group
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Re: Naked in NY


Hi Irma,

I like this piece very much. Nice play between characters & repeat in last line. Sensuous descriptions on a canvas of hesitation. I love it! Even though I found it intriguing, I did get a little lost with:

"the heart of a shape

internalizes

reserved spontaneity"



This line sticks out as a little abstract in an otherwise very grounded piece. Nicely done. Thanks for sharing your challenge.



M.D.


--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

Replying to:

Naked in NY



Rain falls from the lip of

the concrete castle

Like mercury

Dripping

Beading

before slowly

soaking the soft

Black suede

Bleeding

Bluing

the shoulders of

his white t-shirt

clinging to his clavical



his gray eye meets her

she greets, a quick smile,

an everlasting moment

a split second of her light



soaked, she glows still

trotting to the F train

ringlets run in waves against her cheek

under her periwinkle hat

more inspirational than the sky



would he recognize her

dressed as a man

or a deity?

acting out

without

hesitation

wearing flame licked platform boots



The perfect plan concocted

He steps onto the train

If she could leave his mind

She would be safe

it's not the same if he has to

ask for it



the heart of a shape

internalizes

reserved spontaneity



deduce the injury

by the size

of the bruise





Would be first day, but isn't

because she's uninvolved

fair-weathered friends

aren't worth the energy

She has no

time to be un-real



it's not the same

because she didn't ask for it.













Irma Jackson

2-03