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Poets' Coop's E-Group Forum: A Virtual Writers' Group

Need some feedback on a work in progress? Try the Poets' Coop's e-Group. Cut & paste your poem into this free "electronic bulletin board" for others to critique. To get your own creative juices flowing, maybe you just need to reflect on another's poem or to give our monthly Poetic Challenge a try. Come give some constructive criticism. Check back often to see what the others have to say or check the box to get an email whenever someone has commented.

Poets' Coop's E-Group Forum: A Virtual Writers' Group
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Need someone to take a look at my new work please!

When all is said and done
And there's nothing left to say
When yesterday means everything
When it's the reason they can't stay
When a heart is all but hollowed
When the tears are all but dust
When I'm sorry has no meaning
When there's nothing left to trust
When the language turns from love to hate
When betrayal bitters each kiss
When you look back at the miles fled
And wonder what was missed
When there's nothing left of happiness
When sorrow reigns supreme
When silence fills the bedroom
When there's nothing left to dream
When all is said and done my friend
And there's nothing left to say
That's when it's time to say it's done
And go your separate ways.

April 6, 2004 Sarah Elizabeth Duffey

Re: Need someone to take a look at my new work please!

Sarah,
This work has much to be proud of:
Nice use of repeating
Builds nicely.
Some great lines expressing universal emotions
"When betrayal bitters each kiss" is my fav

Thnx for posting
~MD

Re: Need someone to take a look at my new work please!

Sarah
By now, these feelings are probably less intense, but no less hard earned. My suggestion is to take a few of the " Whens"out to the response lines, and make it more tight, like the taut throat clenching painful feelings it evokes. Otherwise this poem has a lot to say, and says it well!