Thank you Steven for writing the story of my 31 yrs with a narcissistic psychopath who kicked me out of his life one day and took everything we worked all our adult life for and left me with nothing but a heart so broken that I am still on the mend and we were divorced in 2007! He hoovered me back in 2008 and I stayed with him another 15 months only to discover the reason he wanted me back was to cause me to violate the divorce decree and lose my spousal support. Can't wait for your book to come out. I have read everything I can about what happened to me.....Sam Vaknin, Lisa E. Scott, Thomas Sheridan, ect and I thank God for the fact that I was finally able to identify what I was dealing with and realize I was NOT the disordered one like he made me believe.
God Bless your heart, Steven...this is EXCEPTIONAL....This is the STORY for all of us survivors. I cannot begin to thank you for putting it into this format. One can LOOK at a story and feel, sense, appreciate, value, and learn without undergoing every moment of angst again. Humanity's examples are changing and it is important to do more than mentally comprehend this "different entity"...we must also FEEL the results of such contact. Forgive me for failing to have the words of deeply valued connectivity with this tale. It is monumental in aiding "us" and enlightening others. Well done!!!!
Narcissism is the ultimate experience of objectification. To this type of person you are not a person with feelings. You are a source of narcissistic supply, and all shows of love, affection and empathy are constructed to lure you as this source. Ultimately you are not a person, you are a ‘thing’ to feed off and sustain his existence. When you finally leave the narcissist, or when he has discarded you (because you know what he is and hold it up to him, or he has destroyed you to the point where there is nothing left to gain, or you don’t supply his with enough narcissistic supply) he/she will find another source and another and then another. The cycle doesn’t end. This can feel devastating – but I promise you it’s not personal.
Just like the vampire who has to destroy every person it needs to sustain itself, the narcissist lives this perpetual nightmare of bleeding dry everything and everyone in order to exist. Again and again he/she faces their worst horror story; being unlovable and abandoned. Unfortunately narcissists often have to end up old and unable to secure supply before they truly get to face their demons with no hostages to offset the truth. Yes, they do suffer incredible anguish when their sources of supply abandon them, but they will always seek fresh sources that are available. This is why it is so imperative to increase education so that eventually narcissists will not be able to procure supply (due to public awareness). This is when this dreadful evil will end...
According to most psychological experts the narcissists eventually end up destitute, broken, and alone. The people and objects they want cannot survive long term in their presence. It all does catch up with them. Karma eventually has it’s say.
A narcissist exhibits pervasive grandiosity -- sometimes through behavior, sometimes through fantasy. A narcissist needs to be admired and shows no empathy or concern for the problems, difficulties, feelings or interests, of other people.
Narcissists hold (perhaps "embrace" would be a better term) an exaggerated sense of self-importance. They overrate the significance of their achievements and talents. They expect to receive accolades for what they believe are outstanding personal attributes and accomplishments. They are totally absorbed in fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, and other achievements and qualities. They believe they are special; as a result, they believe they can only be understood and appreciated by people who are -- or organizations that are -- also special or elitest.
Consequently, narcissists have unreasonable expectations of people and situations. They feel they are entitled to favorable treatment and unquestioning compliance with their hopes and expectations. Other people are supposed to acquiesce to their wishes.
Further, they exploit friends, acquaintances, and associates, taking advantage of others to secure their own desires. They are haughty and arrogant, convinced that others are, or should be, envious of them.
Approximately 40% of people with PTSD develop the condition after someone
close to them suddenly dies. ----That is why we get a form of PTSD. BECAUSE IT FEELS like the loss one would feel from a death when we encounter a N and find out that we were in love with a ghost. They disappear in an instant! (sudden death) That glorious illusion of the person we thought loved us and wanted the same things we did.
Many victims of psychopaths and other character disturbed individuals struggle with the fact that their partners first start the relationship off by idealizing then and devaluing them and then when the relationship is over is walk away as if it never existed. They are left with an emptiness. Either way if their partner doesn’t leave them the victim may be left with no other choice but to end the relationship and then feel bad for having done it unless of course they realise their ex is disordered. No matter which way the relationship ends its always messy and left with unfinished business that cannot be resolved like a “normal” relationship. Often it just takes only one person to take responsbility and say sorry and even though the relationship is over at least both parties can move on.
I was speaking to a woman the other day who is in relationship with a man who has borderline personality. He’s cheated on her so many times and given her an STD twice. She ends up saying sorry and literally pleading with him and apologising for not being able to make things right . She’s always saying “if I only try a bit harder perhaps he will change” “if only I invest a little more in the relationship”. It’s only a matter of time before he’ll be back after having affair number x and until she stops taking him back the whole cycle will continue.
Of course as anyone knows the more you invest in a pathological relationship the it becomes a one way street and a bottomless void. If they are borderline to some degree these bottom feeders will continue to lap up “any old dregs” you offer them including verbal abuse for being angry at what they have done to you. Any supply is narcissistic supply. The more you give them the less they will have respect for you until most victims become shadows of their former selves.
Even more recently a close friend confided in me that she was literally on her knees begging her partner and saying “I cannot do anymore” and yet they never said sorry for their narcissistic outbursts and passive aggressive behaviour that led her to do it and the following day acted as if nothing had happened.
No matter how much you invest into trying to make things right, no matter how much your drain your own resources it will never be enough.
You will end up feeling like you are in a Quagmire
Most non disordered individuals will try their hardest to look within themselves and see if there is something we need to do. If we make mistakes we take responsibility.Its part of what makes neurotics neurotic.
But how many of us who have been out with pathological people ended up saying sorry just to keep the peace even when it’s not our fault.
The psychopath, narcissist and even borderline personality rarely if ever says sorry. If they do say sorry it is usually only because they have been caught out in a lie or because you are onto them. They may apologise but you can be pretty sure they will already be lining up a new source of narcissistic supply if they feel their game is up. Mostly the relationships are about power and control and getting one over on their victims. In an effort to gain back some control they may sometimes take desperate measures. This is why victims of character disturbed individuals really need to pay attention to their safety especially if their has been signs of possible violence towards the end of the relationship in case things become unpredictable.
People who are genuinely sorry learn by their mistakes, and do not repeat their actions. character disturbed individuals do not. This is why so many victims say but my ex says sorry all the time but then keep on doing the same thing over and over again.
However saying sorry and meaning it are too different things. The actually meaning of sorry is
Feeling or expressing sympathy, pity, or regret: feeling or expressing regret or sorrow or a sense of loss over something done or undone
One normally says something like “I am sorry I hurt you the other day when I swore at you. I know it upset your feelings and I’ll try not to do it again”
You may say “I know its very hard for you to forgive me for cheating on you but I am deeply sorry for having done it. I cannot change what’s happened but I will try to repair what damage I have done”
The psychopath on the other hand may easily say sorry but will use words like “sorry” in single word sentences and if asked why they did what they did they will usually answer with a reference to not taking responsibility and shifting the blame I.e. “I did it because so and so ****** me off and I was in a bad mood” “You made me feel upset so I couldn’t help myself” “I wouldn’t have done it hadn’t have been for Mr blogs down the road doing so and so” or the classic excuse is
“I dont know why I did it!”
So yes you may get many sorrys from your disordered ex but a genuine heartfelt sorry will never be forthcoming.
As George Simon says a psych
a psychopath always knows exactly why they are doing things so never be fooled by the classic sorry followed by “I dont know” unless of course they have a different pathology.
If you look at the definition of the word sorry it !feeling pity or regret” for example you may feel pity on someone or say “I feel sorry for that person who just got cancer” The psychopath as always flips everything around in their head and I believe their definition of sorry is completely skewed.
When it comes to understanding the word sorry they are in essence only feeling sorry for themselves I.e. for getting caught out in a lie or being told off for something they have done wrong.
In fact their whole map of the world is slightly off centre and skewed. For example when it comes to love many psychopaths have no ability to feel real love for anyone – the only person they actually love is themselves. Their whole basis of being “in Love” is to find a partner who reflects back to them what they believe is the perfect person.
In the initial stages they may “appear” to be in love with us but it’s just a ruse to get us to feel bonded with them after the love bombing. In turn we give them as much narcissist supply as possible in the form of sex, money or fill in the blanks. When this runs out and their narcissistic supply isn’t enough for them because we don’t love them enough in their minds, they’ll drop us like a hot potato and move on to target number x.
Once a victim starts to get their head around the dynamics of the relationship that was never a relationship in the first place they will soon learn that a genuine heart-felt sorry from a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or borderline will NEVER be forthcoming. Never will any of these disordered individuals have the capacity to understand the pain they have caused to their victims. Due to the sense of grandiosity and entitlement they will think that the victims “had it coming” “they deserved it” “they were misunderstood” and so on.
If they have found fresh sources of narcissistic supply they will often tell their next target that their victims treated them poorly and use they pity play tactic to gain sympathy votes such as “my ex girlfriend/wife was a ******** “I lost my job” “I was sick and no one was there for me”
In the case of my own psychopath ex who I believe does not have any new source of narcissistic supply. It probably explains why he continues to do unbelievably pathological things such as pretending to be other people on dating sites, face book and more. He has in the last two years never made any attempt whatsoever to pay back the monies he owes me nor send me a letter apologising for the pain and hurt he caused to me and my family. It would never occur to him that he’s actually done anything wrong or to say sorry. Unlike victims who spent their entire time looking at themselves thinking “what could I have done to make things better” It would never occur to him or any other psychopath that any time anything that happened in his life was HIS responsibility even down to losing his jobs and so on. It will always be someone elses fault.
Because they have no sense of self. They tend to put victims on a pedestal in the beginning of the relationship. Like the model they have of us is all skewed anyway whereby they often imply to us that we are something far greater than we really are because they have no sense of their own self . This is one of the reasons they use fake and overly flattering comments because they are fakes.
When they see someone who is more successful or talented than them rather than rationalizing that it may be as a result of hard work or being more talents they usually see it as a source of narcissistic supply or a possible threat. Since their sole modus operandi is about power and control and winning and if someone is not a source of narcissistic supply they the psychopath is looking to get one over on them because they are usually envious and feel entitled which is why they intentially go out to hurt so many people. If your narcissistic supply then your OK and dandy but the moment you’re a threat to their mask of sanity you discarded like trash.
In my case, the last thing they want to see is they victims coming out of the relationships happy and contented and moving on with their lives. I am now seen as the enemy. My ex will never understand the motivation for writing my book and doing my website was to help others because of the hurt and pain he caused. He can’t comprehend that normal people don’t think the same way has him or that they don’t wish to hurt everyone or seek vengence. He probably doesn’t understand why I never exposed him to his family despite all the despicable things he and others do that I talk about in Dark Souls and he certainly doesn’t have the capacity to self reflect because in their minds their is nothing wrong with them.
Since rightly or wrongly
in his mind I am now a perceived threat in his mind he’s most probably sitting in his house right now thinking to himself “what the hell have I done wrong, I am the victim here, its her not me” He’s probably seething with envy.. for what? His mindset right now when his is stalking by doing weird things like pretending to be other people via facebook or dating sites is “you may have moved on but not until I say so”.
It’s all skewed the same way as their relationship with the word love and the word sorry is skewed.
Will he ever take responsibility for his actions ? Will he ever say Sorry? The answer is a big fat No. For this reason the relationship cycle always ends with the victim perhaps often trying to make amends and saying sorry even though they may have done nothing wrong and the psychopathic individual either disregarding their former victims or worse stalking and harrassing them. There is never really any proper closure.
If you are expecting some kind of closure, dont expect it by getting a genuine sorry from a psychopath is a case of mission impossible. Because like this song says psychopaths don’t have the cognitive or emotional capacity to look inside and see that they have actually done anything wrong and in their mind saying sorry is impossible for them. They are more concerned with what can they get from you to make them love them because “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.”
The best thing you can do with you life is move on, never look back take time to heal and be happy.
Narcissists are prone to be workaholics, but unlike those that work hard to enhance life, the narcissist only strives for power and craves being the center of attention. They use manipulation tactics in order to get people to serve as pawns as a way of achieving their goal. They will say anything, name-drop, and do whatever is needed to simply impress others. As the narcissist’s arrogance builds, the illusion of grandeur affects all areas of their life, and the lives of those closest to them. It is inevitable that the narcissist fails, and as confidence wanes, growing insecurity causes them to criticize their spouse in order to regain the superior position in the relationship. The narcissist then believes that he or she is above the law and societal rules, and now they have the components that lead to unethical and immoral behavior. They lose their integrity by committing outrageous acts of lying, stealing, fraud, and infidelities. Projection of blame and even dissociation gives these self-serving individuals license to be unfaithful, to go elsewhere to feed their sagging egos, and it matters not whom gets hurt in the process. This is a never-ending cycle of a narcissist.